The semantics of patriarchy

“Does your husband help you in the kitchen?” “Do you help your wife in cooking?” If these common questions elicit “yes” as answer, the usual conclusion is that the man is progressive and affectionate towards his wife. But aren’t these questions laden with a deep gender bias?

In an interview with a celebrity couple on social media, the host asked the man if he helped his wife at home. Thousands have watched the interview, and liked, commented, and shared it. And many will wonder what is wrong with this long-time staple question. Pause and examine its structure carefully. The problem lies in the small word “help”. A person does not “help” in his own responsibilities. He discharges them on his own. But he helps in carrying out a responsibility of another person.

Such questions reveal deep-rooted gender discrimination. In one harmless-sounding question, society reveals its oldest belief that the kitchen belongs to women and men merely assist. It’s the hidden assumption. The word “help” becomes ideological, and such language normalises unequal domestic expectations. Serious attention should be paid to the politics of the word “help”. “Helping my wife” frames the husband as generous for doing the work that he should share equally.

Why are such questions always asked of a man? Is it not his responsibility to share work at home?

Questionable questions

Look at these socially accepted questions or remarks that betray emotional conditioning and carry patriarchal expectations: “Your husband helps you a lot at home, right?”; “You made your husband enter the kitchen?”; “You are lucky your husband helps you”; “Can your husband manage if you travel for work”; “Your husband allows you to work?; “Why can’t she wake up early and cook before office?” The list is endless.

The questions are never innocent, and they carry an assumption which society considers normal. Inequality first appeared in language, and that is why changing society needs changing speech. Because the sentence that we casually repeat becomes part of the culture that we create.

The biggest tragedy which society fails to notice is that gender inequality is not in laws, restrictions, or visible oppressions. It survives through daily casual conversations, jokes, interview questions, advertisements, and comments in family gatherings. Patriarchy is part of the conversation, and hence difficult to detect.

A woman who returns home after working eight hours in office is asked, “What are you going to cook for dinner?” A man returns from office but is soothed by the question, “You must be tired?” The exhaustion of one is taken note of, while more work is expected from the other.

Consider how society speaks about fathers. When a mother looks after the baby, nobody applauds, but if a father changes the diaper, packs lunch for the child, or attends parent-teacher meetings, he becomes a “great dad”. Social media is flooded with admiration. Fathers are celebrated not for equal participation, but for temporary involvement.

Look at this advice often given to girls: “Learn cooking properly, it will help you after marriage.” At first glance, the sentence appears practical but underneath the advice exists a deep social malady. Cooking is not being taught as a life skill for men and women , but as an essential skill for women for marriage. Kitchen is not a place that belongs to women alone. These questions silently perpetuate a patriarchy system in which men are supposed only to extend “help” to women.

Consider another familiar question asked of a working woman: “How do you manage both career and family?” Though this sounds like appreciation, this question is rarely posed to men. Balancing work and family is considered a woman’s special challenge and not a shared responsibility.

These days, women scale new heights and outshine men in many fields. But invisible biases appear on television, advertisements, and film. Men working in the kitchen are often shown as extraordinary, romantic or sheepish rather than as regular people. Children internalise these stereotypes and social approbations on who deserves authority, who deserves rest, and who should adjust. Gender equality is taught in schools, but is it practised? Perhaps, the most revolutionary thing to do today is to interrogate the everyday sentences that breed inequality.

Society disguises discrimination as normal conversation, humour, concern, advice, or curiosity. Today, discrimination survives not through open oppression but through normalised language. Gender bias today may not be found in explicit discrimination everywhere but it hides in casual conversation. That is what makes it more dangerous.

Every casual question carries a world view. Every repeated sentence silently teaches the next generation what is expected of women and what is excused for men.

The time has come for society to examine not only the answers but also the questions that are casually asked.

mercyfamila@gmail.com